... is what I am right now.

I just saw a promo on Food TV for a new show called "What Would Brian Boitano Make?"

That's right. Take a minute to process that. I certainly had to. I'm still reeling a bit. My first thought was "This isn't April 1st, is it?"

My love and admiration for Food TV have been waning for quite some time now. Sara Moulton is gone. Gale Gand is gone. Jacqeus Torres? Gone. Wayne Harley Brachman? Toast. Michael Symon, who replaced that fraud on "Dinner Impossible," got replaced by that fraud. My TV used to be tuned to Food TV almost every second I was home. These days, however, if it doesn't star Alton Brown, I don't watch it. And when the Hell is he going to blow this clambake and start his own (good!) network (Kevin and I have been wishing for that for several years)?!?

So... not only has Food TV ditched nearly all of the real chefs it used to employ in favor of drunken old hags and perky housewives (not that there's anything wrong with being a housewife... that's still my dream job), but now they're stealing a really good "South Park" bit and making what I can only imagine will be an incredibly embarrassing half-hour of TV each week.

So why stop there? I think every cable network should have a Brian Boitano show. Here are a few ideas I've some up with since seeing the promo (all of about three minutes ago):

DIY: What Would Brian Boitano Build?
TLC: What Would Brian Boitano Wear?
Bravo: What Would Brian Boitano Design?
Discovery: What Would Brian Boitano Discover?
The Weather Channel: What Would Brian Boitano Forecast?
Cartoon Network: What Would Brian Boitano Animate?
MTV: What Would Brian Boitano Sing?
E!: What Would Brian Boitano Gossip About?
(insert name of your favorite news network): What Would Brian Boitano Report?
Travel: Where Would Brian Boitano Go? (alternately: PBS: Where in the World is Brian Boitano?)

Were I Brian Boitano, I surely would have kicked an ass or two the second I heard Food TV even suggest such a show.